“I chose and my world was shaken, so what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not” – Sunday in the Park With George “Move On” (Sondheim/Lapine)
I started out the new year so good!! I was blogging up a little storm. And then in typical Bella introverted fashion, I crawled back into my little world of self reflection. I stared at the same blog post I had as a draft for over a month and a half and I never finished it. I probably never will since the situation that inspired it has been resolved and I don’t feel the need to write about it anymore. I tend to not write about things after they happen, not always, but most of the time I move on with my little life (both real and virtual). Lord knows I have held on to things and I probably will continue to do it, but I try to not speak of them. I prefer too keep it locked away where it can grow into a nice little tumor. Recently though I have been thinking a lot about being naked on SL. Not just literally naked (cause lord knows most people on SL walk around like they never saw pants). but emotionally naked. It is a feeling I hate having. Even when I am in a relationship, I hate feeling raw, vulnerable, naked. I am not a risk taker, I don’t enjoy gambling at ANYTHING. Unless I am almost 100% sure of something, I rarely make a move. It’s not a great way to live any life. But it is a safe one.
Occasionally I’ll get a little brave (in my mind at least) and take a chance on something I am not so sure of. When it works out, it normally kick starts a manic episode, but if it doesn’t, I let it affect me way more than I should. It can even sometimes hurl me into a deep depression (the joys of Bi-Polar Disorder at its finest). And yes, I mean in RL as well as SL….emotionally I am the same person in both lives. When it doesn’t work out, I want to rip my own skin off and try over. I wish life was an etch-a-sketch (remember those? If not…google it….black and white version of MS Paint before there were home computers). It is the worst feeling in the world to me. Instead of relishing in the fact that I took a chance, I concentrate on that fact that the chance did not end up in the outcome I desired. I berate myself for taking a chance AND failing. This behavior spans the gamut of my life…personal and professional. I am more apt to brush off the professional…after all business is business…but when it comes to the personal. That’s when I crawl back into my hole and pull it in after me.
That’s what happened to me recently on SL and while I was able to laugh about the situation with one of my sisters on secondlife, I still feel incredibly stupid and dumb and slightly depressed. I realize that there is absolutely NO reason for me to feel this way. Some things don’t work out, and hell, I may even be reading waaaay too much into the situation (I am me so I probably am), but it is what it is. I know the feeling will eventually go away, but until then I’ll feel like I am on pins and needles. It’s at times like this I wish there was antacid for the spirit.
Hair – Longfall Hair (Dark Dyes) Tableau Vivant (Old Arcade Purchase)
Lipstick – Smudged in Red – MUA
Body – Lara v 3.3 – Maitreya
Shoes – Lipstick Heels in Red (Original Mesh) – Wicca’s Wardrobe for the WEIB Event (opens 6/2/15)
Poses – MaVie & Di’s Opera