“I’m a dirt person. I trust the dirt. I don’t trust diamond and gold.” – Eartha Kitt
So I’m back….I went from a frenzy of posts to just stopping. I needed to take a break, take a breathe and walk away from SL for a bit. I didn’t walk away completely, as I do have responsibilities here that I do take seriously, obligations to people, to companies. But I went from 3-4 hours a day to maybe 45 minutes. I knew the minute I was having panic attacks as I logged into SL that it was time to take a breather. Recently I ran into an old friend of mine on SL…in fact he was one of my first two friends I had ever made on SL. It had been a good 3 and a half – 4 years since I saw him. Him and his then partner were the first two people who were ever on my friends list. They patiently taught me how to rez a box, how to get rid of the horrible system hair that older starter avi’s had. They took me to Freebie Paradise to grab clothes and taught me how to put them on. Back then SL was a wonderland of new and exciting adventures for me. And sex. Lots and lots of sex. I am not ashamed to say I use SL to live out sexual fantasies. I know there are others who claim they don’t or that pixel humping does nothing for them (It does nothing for me as, well, and anyone who has been sexually active on SecondLife has run into that one person who stops communicating the minute you hop on a poseball with them and you realize…they are jerking off to toon porn). I have always believed that the brain is the biggest sexual organ we have. Even in RL, if I am not engaged mentally, I get absolutely no pleasure from the physical act of sex. (TMI I know) I used to think that maybe I was asexual in RL, now I know I am a heterosexual sapiosexual submissive woman. Annnnd I just ran off onto a tangent. Anyhoo….back in those days, SL was new and exciting. It was shiny. I think officially my shiny for SL has worn off after my latest misadventure through the mine fields we like to call the SL Relationship.
Years ago I would spend 12-16 a day on SL. I would stay up, maybe get 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky. There were more than a few times I would just sleep on the subway or the express bus to and from work when I was working. I was in a miserable relationship in RL that become borderline abusive mentally and emotionally at the end. I was too fat, I was lucky to have him. But in SL I could be beautiful and there was a buffet of men out there who would find me attractive not just cause of my pixels but cause of my personality. They didn’t see the size 18 tag on my pants. They didn’t see the lazy eye I am super self conscious about in RL. The glasses, the slight waddle to my walk due to uneven hips. They saw a pale raven haired goddess. They and I could be anything we wanted in SL. And while many people come on here to play a character or a version of themselves they want to be, I found the longer I was in SL the more I was inherently myself. I was allowed to be me COMPLETELY in SL. I discovered parts of myself I didn’t know were there, I also let out parts of myself I was and still am scared to show in RL. The one thing I have learned is despite it all, despite what I want to do, what I wish I could do, is that I can not knowingly hurt another person. This should make me feel great, instead it has left me feeling defeated, sad and alone. I wish I could, in the words of my friend “give no fucks.” when it comes to payback, to treating people the way they have treated me. The high road is an exhausting place to be when you do NOT want to be there.
Trying to brush myself off and reveal my own hidden shine is far more difficult this time. I have no idea why. Maybe because I truly cared, Most likely cause I am naive and I believe for the most part what people tell me. The one lesson I have learned though in my 5 plus years on SL is that people don’t come here for the same reasons I do. They don’t come here to be real, they don’t come here to discover themselves. A lot come here to escape, to be something they are not, can not be. The one thing people for though is that if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. Fools gold may shine and glitter for a time but leave it close enough to you your skin will turn green.
Hair – Sessie in Black – Emo-tions
Eyelashes – Advanced Lashes Standard – Angel Rock **NEW PRODUCT**
Eyeshadow – Twice Shy in Burnt Orange – Madrid Solo
Lipstick – Liquid Lips in Gold – Mad’
Gown – Mirasol Gown – Zanze
Hair – Mash in Light Blondes – Analog Dog
Make-up – Late Night Blonde (Full Face) – Madrid Solo
Jewelry – Noor Mystic Set – Lazuri
Dress – Myra Suit Vest – Zanze
Shoes – Candice Mesh Heels for SLink High Feet – R.icielli (MP Fatpack Promo)
Poses for both pictures from oOo Studios
Items from Zanze are review copies.