“But in fact if you look at film as a metaphor, only through the negative can you have the positive print. What I’m trying to get to is the positive value of negation.” – Godfrey Reggio
I took a few days off from blogging to try to clear my head. I went back and I read the posts prior to my break up. The irony of it all hit me. I found out that what I thought to be true, his reasons, were all lies. He went on an alt with someone I considered a sister in SL and used my love and support for his RL as the excuse. I always tell people not to lie to me, I will find out. They both did, but they got sloppy. I knew something wasn’t right. He suddenly, after I asked him if he was this alt, stopped talking. Didn’t log on to Facebook, didn’t log into SL anymore. She didn’t answer the question when it was posed to her, she just got defensive and tried to turn it around on me and my issues (we all have them). Needless to say, they are both out of my life, dead and buried, but the pain they caused me is still very real. And my issue is not that he wanted to end things with me. If you don’t want to be with me, I am not going to beg you. Yeah it sucks but oh well. Relationships end. It was the lies. It was how it was done. I do still believe the things I said when I wrote my Love Walks Through Walls posts….from my end anyway. I need to concentrate on finding love within and bettering my RL. I know that I grew during my relationship with him and I know I felt love the way I had never felt it before. But my question now is, does this final act of lying and betrayal negate all that?
I learned how to be softer during my time with this man. Like an onion he slowly and carefully peeled away my hardened outside layers to reveal a tender side that I myself was shocked that I had. As it was happening, I felt raw and vulnerable, but at the same time very safe. He was gentle, I discovered that while I did feel more exposed, I also felt stronger, I felt people react to me differently. He didn’t want to change what I already was, he told me that many times. I expressed myself in a different way, I took my time and didn’t always shoot from the hip. I’m still me so at a certain emotional threshold I did, but even then, I learned with this man how to calm myself down, how to let go, how to move on. I learned how to merge this new side of me with the sides I already had. I didn’t become a new person, I became a better version of myself. But, that being said, this one final lie has made me doubt all this is built on. I took what he told me at the time as truth. But was it? Is it? Does it make a difference that this positive change in me could have very well been built on a foundation of lies and half truths?
Most people in SL don’t see more than one side to me. I open up a lot on this blog, but I am still very guarded. They see my fashion here, hopefully they like it. But they don’t see that soft side when I express it through fashion. They don’t see me barefoot, in a babydoll dress, no makeup, with soft long black hair and a kitteh ear headband on. Few see me on my knees, collar exposed, leashed to the man I have given my gift of submission to. There are friends of mine who have. Very few in the fashion world. Even fewer in SL as a whole. In the past, after a relationship has ended, I have walled myself back up. Anything they may have knocked down, I quickly repair with mental bricks and mortar. This time, I don’t have the energy. This time it’s different. I have told a few friends, this time, I don’t know what it is, but something in me has died. Not cause the relationship ended, relationships end, it is a part of life. People really do come in and out of your life for a reason. But because in the end he did what he told me time and again he would never do….he would never be like the others. And in many ways, he wasn’t. He ended up being worse.
So right now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be. I have been changed, I am changing. I am very hurt, I am extremely angry and most of all I am sad that I wasn’t worth the truth. And not cause the lie was told to protect me. I know that’s not the case. It was told to protect them, so that they…more to the point so she…could protect their reputations. That’s shot to hell now. She can have her “sugar lips” and I try to find solace in the growth I have experienced and the knowledge that karma is real. It’s just very hard to do it while sitting amongst the rubble of the walls I spent years building up, trying to put the pieces back together again. What was true, what is not true, what was never true to begin with.
Eyeshadow – Twice Shy in Suddenly Blue – Madrid Solo
Eyeshadow – Metal Mania Platinum – Glamorize
Lipstick – Liquid Lips in Rouge – Mad’
Jewelry – Keane Uomo – Zibska
Hoodie – Prudence Leather Hoodie in Violet – Valentina E.
Overskirt – Prudence Draped Skirt in Violet – Valentina E.
Underskirt – Prudence Long Skirt in Violet – Valentina E.
Hair – Tantrum in Black – Analog Dog
Lipstick – A Windsong (Lips Only) – Madrid Solo
Jewelry – Esme Set – Lazuri
Dress – Envelop Dress in Blush – Valentina E.
Poses in all photos are from Slouch
All items were purchased by Bella.