Do Not Go Gentle…

I am Italian American in RL.  A fiery, passionate and yes, sometimes emotional people.  I am extremely proud of my Italian heritage (always regretted never learning the language, which for a 3rd generation Italian American is actually a pretty rare thing to not know). I am not claiming every person of Italian origin is like this, but with me at least (the fact that I’m a Sagittarius and let’s face it, a little coocoo) I find anger an easier emotion to deal with than sadness.  If I can get angry about a situation, instead of sad, I find that I handle it better and I can move through the unfortunate situation quicker and go back to “business as usual”.

bellanojoy_001editedThe title of this post doesn’t really fit, as I took it from the famous Dylan Thomas Poem “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night”, which is a poem about old men, more specifically his own father, dying.  But to me it makes sense.  I would rather rage and rail against something than show my vulnerability by crying.  Growing up I was never taught that crying was a bad thing, but as I got older, and especially once I got into the theatre program at my university and then into the world of NYC professional acting, I learned very quickly you do NOT let people see you cry.  Save that vulnerability for the stage or for when you are in front of the camera.  Of course you are supposed to act professional at all times, but artistic hissy fits were more accepted than tears of pain, sorrow or frustration.

bellanojoy2_001editedVery few times in my life, when life has dealt me a less than ideal hand or things do not go the way I wanted them to, have I not found a reason to get angry.  Sometimes I was able to work through that anger, other times, like with the death of my father when I was 20 years old, I wasn’t able to work it out.  For seven years I stayed pissed off and angry that my seemingly healthy 50 year old father literally dropped dead of a heart attack while jogging.  It took a lot of work and years of therapy for me to move past the anger and truly begin to heal.  One of the not so great aspects of my sparkling personality is that when I can’t get angry,  I put the situation and the people involved in the situation, myself included, under a microscope and I try to FIND a way to get angry, even if it’s basically me pulling stuff out of my ass. Logically, I understand the reasons of the situation, I logically get why things are happening so LOGICALLY in my head I know I can’t get angry, I have no right to get angry. But I WANT to get angry cause it’s easier for me to deal with as an emotion than pain and loss. I find myself struggling with this right now.

bellanojoy3_001editedThis is not a good thing and could damage relationships I have and it has damaged relationships of mine in the past.  Sometimes I feel helpless to stop it.  I like to think, for the most part, I am a pretty rational woman.  Yes, I am emotional, yes, I think with my heart not with my head.  But situations like this, I am fine one moment and then I feel like I am going 120mph on a roller coaster I have no control over and my mouth is spouting words and my brain is screaming “SHUT THE HELL UP.”  Acting this way, I am pushing the very people away from me that I want to keep the closest.  It’s really true when “they” say I am my own worst enemy.

Hair – No Joy in Black – No.Match
Jewelry – Arial Lost Angel in Silver – Maxi Gossamer
Hand Jewelry – Opalis in Silver for SLink Casual – Formanails @ The Designers Circle
Sweater – Zoe Sweater in Black – Aphrodisiac @ The Designers Circle
Jeans – Hipster Bootcut Jeans Faded – Aphorism
Shoes – Galina Webbed Heels – Moda *99L Promo**
Poses by Ma Vie

All Items Were Purchased by Bella

6 thoughts on “Do Not Go Gentle…

  1. That’s a very honest and brave appraisal, Bella. I would rather not deal with either of the emotions you speak of but I have not come across anything to get out of them rather than to say… ‘not that’ ‘not that’ and refuse to develop a train of thought. It’s not easy but sometimes you can ‘pop’ the emotion like a bubble because that’s all they are… bubbles that rise up from God knows where as a response to a situation. Don’t know if that will help or not but I wanted to say it *smiles*

  2. I am exactly the same way Belle, I much prefer anger over sadness that can sometimes suck the breathe right out of you. I tell friends that are heart broken to get pissed. It doesn’t work for everyone and I am Leo so not sure the signs have much to do with it. I guess I see crying as a weakness in me, and when devastated, as with my own father dying from a reaction to anesthesia out of the blue, I did cry and I mean a lot, 6 days before Christmas in 2003, but to get passed the crying I got pissed. My dad was no saint when I was young and we became super close the last 10 years of his life because I forgave him. So like I said I am the same, especially if tears start streaming in public , those times I get really pissed. I do have soft emotions and am very compassionate to those in need like children, battered woman and helpless animals.That is who I am, but I am strong and I am stubborn, and damn it all I’ll get mad if things are easier to handle that way , no lashing out at others just mad. Great post and I feel like we have much in common from reading it. Blessed Be Spirit

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