Love Walks Through Walls

When you least expect it love walks in.  It sometimes creeps upon you slowly, other times it hits you like a ton of bricks.  For me, it crept up on me slowly.  A man, who was just a friend, became one of my great loves of SL.  It started out as a friendship, nothing more.  I teleported one day to, shall we say, a SIM of RP ill repute and from there, a friendship was made.  The friendship grew and one day it was like….well hello.  It was a relationship that was strictly SL.  I don’t judge people in SL for the relationships they get in.  We all have our reasons for doing what we do or don’t do on Second Life.  This man was always open to me about his RL and I loved and supported him and all he did.  I wanted nothing more for him to have a happy RL.  The relationship we were in filled a void that we both needed to be filled.  Today that relationship ended.  I knew it was coming, I knew he was struggling.  I didn’t have the courage to let him go.  In fact, I have never broken up with someone.  Yes, it’s true.  As outspoken as I am, I have never had the courage to end a relationship that isn’t working.  I try harder to make it work, normally to my detriment.  This time though it was different.  There is no anger, no bitterness, no pit in my stomach….just a sweet sadness….knowing this is the right thing, not just for him, but for me as well.This man, during the short almost 6 months we were together, loved me in a way I had never been loved before…in SL or RL.  I know there are cynics out there who claim it’s not real love cause it’s SL or cause it did not and could never go RL.  Well, to them, I say Fuck You. History is filled with great love stories that exist through correspondence. I am not sure people are built to just love one person.  To some it comes easily, to others it’s not how they are built and they can not deal with it. And so, they do what is best for them and their RL, which is what they should do.  Despite my ramblings on this blog, I am a very walled off person, emotionally.  I do not naturally trust people, especially men. I expect to be lied to, cheated on, deceived. (And let me tell you it’s not cause of my RL father – he was a Prince amongst men and treated my mom like a QUEEN).  This man not only told me I should not expect that, he showed it to me.  In his words and in his actions towards me, his anger and disapproval when I put myself down….he showed me and made me believe I should be loved and cherished because I deserve it.

In the past few weeks, as I saw less and less of this man (due to the holidays) and maybe even him pulling back a bit, I did a lot of thinking about my life and what I want from it.  Yes, he is married in RL and yes, he loves his wife and heck, he even likes her!  Which is something I love about him.  I was very adamant for a long time that I would only be with men on SL who were married in RL.  Keeps things nice and neat for me I would say, there are boundaries and I can concentrate on my RL.   But it was a lie I was telling myself.  I wasn’t concentrating on my RL, I was avoiding it.  I was telling myself that my emotional needs could get met with a relationship on SL, a SAFE relationship on SL, one that could NEVER go RL.  I was lying to myself.  I was scared.  I believed…believe…that I don’t deserve love.  I’m too fat, too ugly, too loud, too opinionated, too unoriginal to find someone who would treat me the way my father treated my mother.  But guess what.  I wasn’t being treated that way in my myriad of SL relationships either.  Until I met this man.  For some reason, maybe because he was honest and sincere or maybe I was just ready to hear it, he made me believe I do deserve all that in RL.  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be successful and have someone who is on my team.  But the most important lesson he taught me was that before anyone else can do that for me, I need to do that for me.   He helped me see my own worth.  For that and that alone, I will always love him and cherish him.

I shed tears cause something important to me ended.  But I believe sometimes, people come into your lives for reasons and then they go.  I don’t know if I will ever talk to this man again.  In my heart of hearts, I hope I do.  We started out as friends and that is what our brief love affair was based on.  At one point I know he believed if we ended, we would not stay friends, and that saddens me.  It was my own doing, my going 0-120mph emotionally when surprised.  I want to thank him for everything he has done, including ending it.  I have been miserable at my job for months, but I stayed there cause my schedule worked out better that way with his. Today, I sent out resumes for better paying jobs that are run of the mill 9-5, Monday – Friday…a schedule that if I had that, would leave me never seeing him. I know,I know…I preach live you RL, but when one finds a connection in this world with another person, you try to hold on to it.   I did exactly what he did not want me to do and I sacrificed my RL happiness cause I am scared of it. Now I am tired of being scared.  I’m tired of just existing on what amounts to crumbs.  I want to sit at the table and feast. I hope he sees this post.

You walked through my walls and in the process helped me to find the door.

I love you.

(and yes,  I did pick the title cause it’s Queen)

Hair – Selma (A) – CatWa
Tears – I’m Not Feeling Very Well – Izzie’s
Earrings – Wild Parisienne Pearl Earrings – Maxi Gossamer
Necklace – Jazz Hands Frog in Black – Maxi Gossamer (old Arcade gatcha)
Bangles – Boho Bangles in Lacquered Gold and Diamonds – Maxi Gossamer
Vest – Rita in Blue – PurpleMoon Creations **NEW RELEASE**
Pants – Adele Pants in Black – PurpleMoon Creations
Shoes – Sloane Strapped Heels – MODA **99L Promo**
Poses – oOo Studios

Items from PurpleMoon Creations are Review Copies. All other items were paid for by Bella.