I have been sorely amiss in my blog postings. I lost my desire. To style, to write, to do anything on SL. That’s what happens when you allow yourself to get and stay in emotionally and verbally abusive relationships. It’s horrible. You always think “I could never be THAT girl.” I always hear from people how they admire me cause I come across so strong, so outspoken. How I stand up for what I feel is right…and I do.. Except I have always had an issue standing up for myself. Even in RL, I will stand up for someone else in a heartbeat, but when it comes to standing up for myself, I crumble. I am so scared of being alone, being left, that I never truly use my voice for myself. And the ironic thing is, that because I don’t know how to utilize my own voice for my own well being the way I should use it…I end up being left alone, cast aside. I end up bottling everything up, and I explode, I argue, I rant. Instead of calmly saying NO, I let others convince me that their way for them is right for me. It is one of the reasons I have not been on SL much. I have been working on ME, the real life Bella. The past year on SL, I have been in relationships with two of the worst types of people I could possibly have found, both liars, both terribly miserable with their own lives. And NO, I will NOT remove this post, like I was bullied into removing a last post on a topic like this. I am not revealing names, there is NO slander, NO libel. For I am NOT making up lies. While it is MY perception of events, I make NOTHING up. I refuse to be bullied in my personal life on SL any longer. (I ironically take much less crap from people in RL…in sl I tend to let my true submissive nature shine through a bit more). That is where I end my rant of WHY I have come to this conclusion. I say no more about these people, just a thank you for the lessons they taught me. They helped me realize that I do have a voice and I would rather sing from the mountains solo than be stifled in a crowd.
It does help that I have amazing family and friends. Not only in SL but in RL as well. They serve as not only my strength but my inspiration. So many people have stood by me, some quietly, waiting for me to realize what they have already known. Sometimes the best of friends let you make your own mistakes, and hold you and love you and help you lick your wounds afterwards. Others are there the entire time, shouting til they are red in the face, words that you are unable or unwilling to hear, but never once with an “I told you so”. For them I am truly grateful. Where does this leave me on SL. Online much less often. I still love to blog, I still love the work I do for PurpleMoon and I still love the friends I have, but at this point in time, I think it’s a good thing that I can say “I am bored, here, it’s time to log out” instead of just staying on cause of a misguided fear of being forgotten in this crazy, insane virtual landscape of our own minds. This is not a good bye for me, but a rearrangement of priorities. Of truly putting myself first. Of standing up after allowing myself to be pushed down to my knees.
I fully plan to still enjoy what I have always enjoyed on SL, and that is it. And trying to figure out wordpress. A big thank you to the always amazing Caoimhe Lionheart, who patiently tried to work with me in figuring out this new layout.
Voyage by Gizza Creations
Natali in Copper by Finesmith
Hair by Vanity Hair
Poses by Isomotion